


Overseas

by Borrowed_Voices



Category: Temeraire - Naomi Novik
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Graphic Depictions of Illness, M/M, Mentions of Mental Illness, Original Character(s), Post-Canon, Tharkay's estate
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:02:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23294428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Borrowed_Voices/pseuds/Borrowed_Voices
Summary: He walked slowly through the dark and empty hallways, the moon throwing the scene into blue tones and his footsteps echoing around him. Laurence’s mind kept carefully blank.He passed Tharkay’s study, candlelight was spilling out from under the door. It looked delicate and frail, and while Laurence looked it flickered and died.It is late, Laurence thought looking at the dark spot the light had left, the hallway felt suddenly a lot colder.He continued to his own room, not lighting a candle to guide his way.In which Granby tries to be a good friend, and Temeraire is more aware of his captain's mental state than people thought.
Relationships: John Granby/Augustine Little, William Laurence/Tenzing Tharkay
Comments: 19
Kudos: 26





	1. Fine

“Laurence? Laurence?” Granby said, lightly shaking Laurence’s arm. Laurence noted he had been staring into space for quite some time now, thoughts straying.

Granby frowned at him.

“Have you been sleeping properly?” He asked, “You look wretched” He added in his usual blunt manner.

“Yes” Laurence sighed,”I am sorry John, my thoughts were elsewhere.” Laurence pretended not to see his friend’s worried look, Granby just snorted.

“Well, as I was saying” Granby continued, making a noticeable effort to keep his host’s attention,

“Iskierka has been restless, and with the discontent In the Indies growing, Roland thinks of sending us before Iskierka gets into her head to burn down  _ another _ government building.”

Laurence nodded, feeling guilty at his distracted behaviour, and taking another sip of his wine, he had heard of the unrest in the Indies, and with the war over, there was little use for so many dragons on English shores. If Iskierka had in fact been restless Laurence supposed it would be the best option to send her.

But Laurence had to admit he’d be sorry to see them both off.

“Would you..” Granby said hesitantly, pausing, Laurence looked at him questioningly.

“I mean, you and Temeraire would be alright without us?” Granby managed, not looking at his friend but rather frowning into his wine.

Laurence was surprised, he supposed he had been absent minded as of late, but that couldn’t be the cause of such worry.

“Why wouldn’t we be?” he asked, putting down his wine glass.

“I.. “ Granby looked at him with a sad expression and sighed.

“Never mind Will, it is late.” Granby said apologetically, rising.

Laurence followed suit, it would not do to pry, even if Laurence had the feeling that, whatever John was about to say, it had been important.

His mind felt queerly numb, he supposed he had had enough wine for one evening.

“Will I see you tomorrow for dinner then?” Granby asked, it had become a habit of theirs to spend the evenings at the estate, when Iskierka wasn’t needed for patrols in the evenings.

The covert where Granby and Iskierka were stationed was only an hour flight away .

“Of course” Laurence answered waiting, Granby looked as if he had something to say, but in the end he just nodded.

“Goodnight then Mr Laurence” He said with the hint of a smile, a teasing tone in his voice.

“Goodnight Captain Granby” Laurence answered in kind and he watched him walk away towards the looming shadow of the dragons, bickering outside of the pavilion.

He kept watching as Iskierka flew away and Temeraire retreated, barely visible in the dark. Only then did he turn away, closing the door.

He walked slowly through the dark and empty hallways, the moon throwing the scene into blue tones and his footsteps echoing around him. Laurence’s mind kept carefully blank.

He passed Tharkay’s study, candlelight was spilling out from under the door. It looked delicate and frail, and while Laurence looked it flickered and died.

It is late, Laurence thought looking at the dark spot the light had left, the hallway felt suddenly a lot colder.

He continued to his own room, not lighting a candle to guide his way.

“Sir?” Laurence looked up from the book he was reading, Mrs Woodwick stood in front of his perch on Temeraire’s forearm, looking a bit nervous. The young woman was standing with a perfectly straight back,  her dark hair, normally tucked messily into her white cap, was perfectly in order. Even her usually dust stained apron was clean and looked ironed.

“Good morning Mrs Woodwick.” Laurence said gently, he had thought the lady had gotten over the brunt of her nervousness around him and Temeraire.

“Good morning, Sir” Mrs Woodwick answered, fumbling at her skirt, hesitating. Her amber eyes were pointed at the floor.

“If I may be so bold, Sir” she said after a pause, finding the courage to look Laurence in the eye. “I would like to inquire whether the food is to your tastes, Sir”

“Of course.” Laurence said “it is everything I could ask for.” Laurence answered truthfully. It had been all he could ask for. But lately he had not had much appetite. He tried to eat normally but his stomach became increasingly upset to the point of aching. And the last few days he had mostly skipped his breakfast only taking tea.

“Oh,” Mrs Woodwick said with a frown, his response seemed expected, but not the one she had been hoping for.

“Why ever are you asking?” Temeraire said, raising his head when Mrs Woodwick stayed silent.

“Ah, well..” She said, looking nervously between them.

“Do not be afraid to speak plainly Mrs Woodwick, we shan’t fire you for being honest” Laurence prompted.

“Well” She sighed “We were wondering, Sir, because you do not seem to eat much of it most days. Only look at this morning” she added with some vehemence “the side board was pretty much untouched, Sir”

“Oh” Laurence said startled at the worry clearly heard in her voice. ]  He had not thought the servants would actually take this much notice. Nevermind be worried for him.

“I did not have that much of an appetite lately, but it is nothing to be concerned about.”

“Oh but you have to eat something, Laurence. You told me yourself that if one wants to stay healthy they need to eat!” Temeraire exclaimed

“Mrs Woodwick, can you take out a plate for him? He shall eat here, if you please.”

“Yes Sir” Mrs Woodwick said, a little too eager, Laurence thought ruefully as he watched her go. When had the servants taken to coddling him? Laurence coughed a little before clearing his throat, Temeraire’s ruff immediately spiked up.

Temeraire fretted over him, curling around him to shield him from the wind a little better and demanding that he eat the richly filled plate Mrs Woodwick had brought him, along with a cup of steaming coffee, with just the right amount of milk and sugar. She had payed attention.

“My dear, I am fine.” Laurence insisted. after he had eaten half the plate and Temeraire had asked whether or not he was cold, or tired, or had a headache, for the sixth time.

“Oh but that is all well and good for you to say, when it is obvious you are not.” Temeraire argued “I have been watching you for a little while now and you have become awfully distant. And do not pretend” he said with severity when Laurence wanted to protest. “I can see that something is wrong.

Laurence sighed ruefully. He had not been entirely well, he supposed, thinking of the sleepless nights and the lack of appetite, the coldness in the halls or the restlessness, the dull ache in his chest whenever he did try to sleep. He realised with a pang of guilt, that he had been distant from his dragon. And Laurence had missed him. He cleared his throat again.

“You are right of course, my dear “Laurence said, putting his hand on the soft spot of the celestial’s nose. “I apologize for any negligence I have put you under,my dear. I just find myself not sleeping well as of late”

“I wouldn’t say negligence” Temeraire said rubbing his nose over his breastplate, which suggested he felt otherwise. Laurence felt another pang of guilt. Whatever his troubled mind, Temeraire shouldn’t be a victim of it. 

“But if you are not sleeping well either, Oh Laurence are you truly feeling alright? You are not sick are you?” Temeraire asked, nosing at him and flicking his tongue to taste the air around him.

“No dearest” Laurence said, putting a hand back on the dragon's nose, “I am fine truly” But Temeraire wouldn’t be placated.

“Maybe you should just stay here with me, then we may be sure you are alright, and please eat the rest of your plate, you look very pale.” He added.

Laurence sighed again, he would never hear the end of this.

“What have you gotten yourself into now?” Granby said when he came over for dinner and found them in the pavilion, Laurence still cradled protectively in Temeraire’s claws.

“Good evening John” Laurence said tiredly, Iskierka snorted, producing a plume of smoke in the face of an annoyed Temeraire.

“He is just being overly protective as always” she said haughtily, curling her tail possessively around Granby.

“I am not” Temeraire hissed “He just hasn’t been eating well, and not been sleeping as much as he should” He said nosing at Laurence worriedly, Granby frowned.

“Oh so you have gotten him sick as well?”  Iskierka said, before Granby could react, Temeraire’s ruff flared out wide, he growled threateningly, the divine wind echoing through his body. Iskierka flinched.

“That is enough Iskierka, we talked about this.” Granby said in severe tones “Go and sit outside. ”

Iskierka looked hurt, and for a moment she seemed like she would reply, but the look Granby gave her spoke volumes, and for once she went, muttering to herself she curled up under a stand of trees, back turned towards them.

Laurence hadn’t noticed he had stiffened until Temeraire nosed at him again, curling up around him, shutting the world out. “You are not sick are you?” he asked tentatively, flicking his tongue to smell the air around him.

“No my dear, I am not” Laurence said softly, shaking away the sudden feeling of dread.

“Temeraire, you great lummox, I’d like to still see my host”  Granby called from the other side of the wall of black scales.

“My dear it would be rude if we do not acknowledge our guest.” Laurence said, stroking the nearest part of the dragon he could reach.

Temeraire grudgingly gave way, and Granby climbed towards Laurence, sitting down on the pavilion floor, resting his back against Temeraire’s warm scales, he sighed.

“I am sorry for Iskierka, she has been even more of a nuisance lately, from lack of action it think”

Laurence knew he should be saying something, that it didn’t matter what she said, because he knew she didn’t mean it, that he had forgiven it. But the remark had struck home, and he found he couldn’t dismiss it as easily as usual.

Temeraire huffed but didn’t say anything.

They stared out into the garden a moment, the smells of dinner being prepared drifted out to them and behind Temeraire’s coils the servants started to prepare the table in the pavilion.

The serenity of the moment was broken however when Laurence had a sudden bout of coughing, his throat itching and hurting at the same time.

Temeraire looked at him in alarm, ruff flaring, Granby came over and patted him on the back.

“Easy now, we don’t want you to cough out your lungs” he said, Laurence gasped for some air before coughing again.

“Does that happen?” Temeraire said, even more alarmed.

“No my dear that is just an expression” Laurence said when he could breathe again, his throat felt eerily dry, and he felt a weariness that seemed to cling to his bones.

Granby promptly put a hand on Laurence’s forehead, and despite himself Laurence stiffened.

“Hm, you do feel a bit warm.” Granby said, straightening again.

“And your hands might be cold, truly I am fine, it is probably just a cold.”

“Oh, but that is what they said about our friends too when the plague began.” Temeraire argued “Granby, I insist on you staying the night, just to keep an eye on him”

Granby looked at Laurence but before Laurence could protest he raised an eyebrow answering;

“Very well, If that is alright with you” A smile crept around Granby’s lips. “I do like staying here, Will, and perhaps we can finally settle our small piquet tournament we had last week.”

“That is settled then” Temeraire said, with a triumphant tone in his voice, and before Laurence could react Temeraire had already ordered the servants to ready a room.

Laurence sighed, he knew arguing was a folly, and secretly he was glad of the company.

He found that, when they were all seated and enjoying their meal, with minimal bickering between the dragons, wine flowing easily, paired with pleasant conversation, he really had missed some company,other than Temeraire’s, during the long hours in the evenings. And now that Granby stayed he could rest easy that when they would retreat into the cold and large house, then at least it wouldn’t feel as lonely.

The blues and greys of the night had taken over the house as Laurence walked it’s hallways, for once enjoying the cold air on his too hot skin and the lack of sound except for his own soft footsteps.

He let his feet take him the familiar route, his mind too occupied to note where he was going until he was there. He had felt restless again, and the more he had been thinking about it the more his chest ached, the more his breathing became restricted. His bed had felt entirely too large and entirely too oppressive, making him feel trapped within the covers.

He opened the door to the library carefully, quietly, and swiftly went inside.

He had not brought a candle, but he didn’t need one, the room had become familiar in his continued midnight wanderings and his fingers found the extra candle he kept on the table with ease.

He didn’t bother lighting the chandelier that usually lit the room, nor the fireplace. He put the lit candle in the candleholder near his chair and, seating himself, opened the book he had left the night before, leaving the corners of the room to the dark blue of the night.

It stayed quiet like this for most of the night, no other sound heard but the pages of the book being turned or one of his now more frequent coughs. He kept his thoughts carefully focused on the book and it’s contents. Not letting it stray any further.

Slowly the sky started to lighten, the darker blues of the night gradually fading into the warmer colours of the sunrise. And just when Laurence thought he might go up and dress for the day, he saw Granby standing in the doorway, still in his nightclothes and looking rather baffled.

“Good morning” Laurence said when the silence stretched.

Granby blinked at him, brushing a hand through his disordered hair which did nothing to tame it, the peaks sprung back up from under his hand.

“Damn Laurence do you know what time it is?” Granby asked with a desperate air, but when Laurence turned to look at the clock Granby interrupted “Never mind that, have you slept at all? No wonder Temeraire is in a fuss over how much you sleep if you stay up reading every night!”

Laurence was taken aback and Granby seemed to notice as his tone softened. “Laurence,” he sighed sitting in the chair next to him “If there is something wrong you have to tell me, I know I am not… I am not as good in these things, but you can’t go on like this”

“Of course I will not hesitate to tell you if there is something I need” Laurence answered, the situation felt more serious than it warranted, more important than it should be, and Laurence was starting to feel restricted. His skin felt taut over his bones and his breath felt as if it wasn’t reaching his lungs. He remained calm enough somehow to meet his friends eye where he found some sadness and worry, he seemed to be searching for something. It was as if Granby was trying to look through him, Laurence wasn’t surprised if he actually did. If he could read the sudden panic in his mind, the ache in his chest and the restricting of his lungs.

The moment was broken when Granby sighed and stood up.

“I’ll go and see if breakfast is ready” he said, not looking back at him when he walked away.

Laurence felt as if he had just missed something important, but the sickening feeling of panic that had overcome him was slowly fading away, and he was breathing heavily in it’s aftermath.

Eventually he dabbed the sweat from his brow and went upstairs to dress.

Breakfast was at first a bit uncomfortable, the both of them remembering the morning all too clearly.

Through Granby’s insistence Laurence ate more than he had initially wanted to and after a while their conversation flowed more easily.

When they went out to the dragons the sky was already growing lighter, thankfully Iskierka was still asleep and for once they had some peace from the constant bickering.

Temeraire was already watching their approach, yawning as testament to a recent waking, he nosed at Laurence anxiously when he was within reach, nearly toppling him over in his worry.

“You still look pale” he concluded disapprovingly “Has he eaten enough?” he asked Granby

“Yes he has eaten enough, but I found him in the library this morning, reading. He looked as if he hadn’t slept at all. Truly Laurence, no wonder you look so ghastly.” Laurence shot him a glare which did nothing as the captain just looked innocently back at him, the hint of a smile at his lips.

“Laurence you really should sleep, maybe you’ll sleep better here” Temeraire said, picking him up in his claws, and putting him down on his forearm. “There” he said, seeing Laurence seated properly, patting his head with one great claw, “now sleep.”

Granby laughed at him.

“Well, I’ll leave you to it, we are needed back at the covert, we have some patrols to do at midday” and with that he gave Laurence a hand and an amused goodnight, patted Temeraire on his flank before he left to wake Iskierka.

When they had vanished on the horizon, Laurence could feel that strange loneliness creep back into his chest, making it feel as if he was permanently cold. A restlessness made itself known, a faint feeling of not belonging.

His throat itched again, and no matter how hard he tried he could not hold back a bout of coughing.

Temeraire nosed at him again, full of worry, but unable to do anything until the coughing subsided. His ruff lay flat in his neck, one great eye peering at him from above, his black tongue tasting the air around him.

Laurence sighed.

“My dear..”

“No, do not say you are fine, again, because clearly you are not.” Temeraire said forcefully “Mrs Woodwick!” he called into the house “Will you please get a blanket for Laurence? And send message for the towns doctor to come as soon as he may, you might send one of those couriers to fetch him.” He ordered when she came running outside of the house. “I do not want that last fellow, Mr. Thompson, for clearly he was of no help at all the last time.”

“Yes, Sir” Mrs Woodwick said and she hurried off.

“Temeraire you are making too much of a fuss, I am certainly not in need of a doctor, neither will he do something against a mere cold” Laurence argued. But Temeraire’s ruff stood stiff against his neck, clearly he would have none of it.

“He will certainly do something” he said, his tail lashing. “I will not allow him to leave if he does not, now go and sleep a little Laurence you look very pale” and he nosed Laurence on his back and would not let him get back in a seating position again, one great eye trailed on him.

“..now please open your mouth” the doctor said, holding the flat wooden stick to his tongue, Laurence could see Temeraire behind the doctor, trying to peer into his throat as well, which would have been rather comedic if Laurence wasn’t as frustrated with his situation.

“Hmm” the doctor said taking Laurence’s chin in his hand to better angle his head. Laurence bore the manhandling with little patience, and Temeraire even less;

“Well?” he said still peering over the man’s head into Laurence’s throat “do you see anything?”

The poor doctor startled when he found the dragon’s head very close behind him and the movement nearly put the flat wooden stick down Laurence’s throat, bearly choking him and making him dissolve into a bout of coughing. Temeraire flattened his ruff, wrapping his tail carefully around Laurence.

“Ah, well I didn’t see much but a little irritation” The doctor said, he hurriedly continued when Temeraire raised his ruff again. “But I would suggest keeping as much rest as possible, dress warmly and sleep more” and with that he briskly walked back to the little courier that had carried him and they quickly disappeared in the echoes of Temeraire’s growling.

The dragon was still pacing around in his pavilion afterwards, after seeing Laurence properly settled in two blankets on the comfortable laying couch.

Laurence sighed, the blankets felt overly warm on his skin, and he shook one off, folding it at the other end of the couch before laying down completely. He felt tired and drained from all the prodding the man had done, and the arguing with Temeraire. Yet sleep would not come, and in its place was a feeling of restlessness. He felt tired yet wide awake, cold in his bones but too hot in his skin, lonely yet overwhelmed. He felt terribly restricted but knew not it’s cause. His thoughts wandered, back in time, back to the war.

Flashes of white sails were dancing before his eyes, the smell of gunpowder suddenly fresh in his nose and faces of gone sailors appeared and disappeared before his eyes as his breathing grew more laborious, a strange panic gripping his chest tightly. Screams filled his ears, together with the clash of sabres and the thunderous roars of dragons and cannons.

“Laurence?”

Laurence opened his eyes, his breathing still laboured as he came back to his senses.

Temeraire was curled tightly around the couch, his ruff was flattened in his neck and all the muscles in his body drawn taut. His voice had sounded small and unsure and his head was low to the ground beside him, he looked unsure whether or not to touch him, as if Laurence would bolt if he came any closer.

Laurence blinked, the world around him suddenly seemed unstable, and the light of the sun too bright in his eyes.

He reached out a hand to Temeraire’s snout, and the dragon eagerly pushed against it, keening.

Laurence felt tired, drained, looking through a fog of fatigue. Temeraire carefully curled around him more tightly pushing his head against him as reassurance, Laurence led himself lean against him.

“It’s okay” he said softly, but to whom he did not know.

Laurence turned around in his bed again, attempting to find a comfortable position. Thoughts were racing through his mind, and the restlessness in his chest demanded to be felt, it demanded him to walk, run, do  _ something _ .

He coughed again, his throat protesting. In the end he just gave up, whatever he did sleep would not come to him in the night, and when it finally did it was plagued with nightmares. He threw back the bedcovers getting up, coughing again. He dressed in some simple but warm enough clothing and, instead of going to his usual spot in the library he went outside.

The scent of the trees surrounding the estate filled his nose and the cold air settled comfortably on his skin. He walked down the path towards the forest, thinking a brief walk would calm him.

The quietness of the forest was pleasant, sometimes a smaller animal rushed under the brush, and Laurence thought he heard an owl up high in the trees.

Somewhere in the middle of the forest, he stopped at the edge of a small clearing. He turned his head to the sky, looking at the familiar constellations above him.

A snowflake slowly made his way down from the blueish black sky, Laurence looked at it confused, wasn’t it the middle of July?

He blinked, but the snowflake was still falling, he followed it down with his eyes and as he did so he noticed that the ground had turned white, His heavy breath was visible in small white clouds. The trees were nearly bowing under the heavy load of snow and Laurence noted that the cold was seeping into his bones, he felt so cold he wondered seriously whether he would ever feel warmth again. The quiet had become deafening.

Slowly, slowly Laurence let himself look around the clearing. There in the snow, was a black drop, a smear of black blood glinting in the starlight.

Slowly he followed the trail with his eyes, it became thicker and larger the more it got towards,

towards the body of the Grand Chevalier.

Laurence saw the small hard shining eyes of a stoat peering patiently out from under the bramble.

The French dragon’s immense sides were sunken in between her ribs, so deeply that each hollow looked like the span of a rope bridge. They swelled out and in with every shallow breath, the movements of her lungs made visible.

A dead man sat in the snow beside her, leaning against her chest and staring blindly forward, in ragged remains of the once proud red uniform of the Old Guard.

Laurence felt his chest being restricted, his breath coming in fits and starts. The world started to spin around him, nauseating, he closed his eyes tightly.

When he opened them he was laying on his back in the grass of the clearing.

He blinked at the stars confused, he felt as though he had been laying there for hours, but it had only been a few minutes.

When he got back to the estate the sky was finally growing lighter, he stopped in front of the door to look out over the grounds, the clear morning sky threw Temeraire’s pavilion a beautiful crimson light, and Laurence could see the dragon peacefully sleeping within. He made his decision, and walked inside, Temeraire does not need to know.

“Laurence? Will Granby be coming by today?” Temeraire asked, gently ruffling Laurence’s hair with his nose. It was a fine warm day and Laurence had gone out to finish some correspondence with the dragon in his pavilion.

“No, Iskierka is needed for formation practice today” Laurence answered, a little distracted, writing a few lines to Jane.

“Oh” Temeraire said, sounding disappointed, looking out over the fields.

Laurence turned to him, surprised, the movement made his head spin.

“I thought you were complaining Iskierka was here far too often?” he asked, repressing another cough.

“Yes, but of course I do not mind Granby” Temeraire said “Although, maybe you could sit with me in the pavilion a little more often?” he asked in a small voice, Laurence patted the dragons flank, struggling through a bout of coughing, his lungs hurting.

“Yes, if the weather holds I think we may” He said, clearing his throat and patting the worried dragon’s nose. “Here, maybe this will cheer you up a little” Laurence held up the letter that Emily had sent them, Temeraire peered at it interestedly, but kept his head close to Laurence, carefully nosing at him. “Emily says she and Demane will be visiting tomorrow with Kulingile, they are to travel to Gibraltar in a few weeks and come to say their goodbyes.”

“Oh! I thought she was to stay with Excidium?”

“Normally yes, but her mother will be serving for another while and Emily will be made first Lieutenant on Mortiferus”

“Well, that is good I suppose.” Temeraire said, sounding rather the opposite of excited, Laurence thought he could imagine why. During the war many of his crew had come and gone and Temeraire had always been more possessive of his officers. Losing them had always been a sore spot.

“There Temeraire, console yourself with the fact that they’ll be staying for a week.”

Temeraire only huffed, Laurence repressed a sigh and leaned back against the black hide, opening a letter from his brother. He found himself not being able to focus on it however.

Temeraire stared silently out at the forest for a while, his tail lashing. Laurence frowned, he hadn’t thought the dragon missed the crew that badly, he found himself wondering whether he should invite their friends over more often. Temeraire saw him frowning, and nuzzled at his shoulder again, the dragon was becoming rather clingy and affectionate lately, but Laurence didn’t complain.

“Are you all right Laurence?” the dragon asked carefully curling around him to serve as a windbreak “you have been very quiet” Laurence raised his eyebrows, he hadn’t noticed himself to be more preoccupied than normal. “Maybe I should ask Aliceson to get you a blanket and something warm to drink? You seem to be very cold Laurence” Laurence frowned.

“No my dear I am not cold in the slightest, whyever would you think so?”

“Are you sure?” Temeraire asked pressing his nose against Laurence’s cheek, “It is only, that you are shaking, even if you are a bit warmer than usual”

Laurence blinked at him in surprise, before looking down at his hands. The letter he was holding was indeed shaking lightly. He suddenly felt very dizzy and light headed.

“Maybe I will take that cup of tea, thank you.” Laurence said, leaning against Temeraire fully, closing his eyes against the swaying world. “You have become unbearably fussy.”

Temeraire only nuzzled him again, before calling into the house for the servant girl.

She came running out quickly with a steaming cup of tea with a little milk and sugar, and an extra blanket.

“Are you alright there, sir? Would you like me to call on the doctor again?” She asked worriedly, Her big blue eyes shining with concern.

“No thank you Aliceson I’ll be much better after a cup of tea” Laurence said, taking a sip, he left the blanket aside. Aliceson looked up at Temeraire, frowning, the dragon gave her a small nod, and she hurried off again.

Laurence looked between the back of the girl and the dragon, and put down his cup on the saucer.

“Temeraire”

“Yes?”

“What, was that?”

“What was what?” Temeraire answered innocently, brushing his nose over his breastplate, Laurence sighed. It made his head spin again.

He coughed, “Temeraire you cannot call the doctor over, again.” Laurence said sternly, trying to stop the world to stop spinning in front of his eyes with sheer force of will.

“You heard what he has said last time, he saw only some irritation”

“But you are unwell, you refuse to eat, and do not sleep. I see you lighting a candle in the library every night so do not pretend”

“Then you haven’t been sleeping either”

“How can I sleep when you are unwell? I have to keep an eye on you!” Temeraire said, his tail lashing in agitation.

“Temeraire I will be fine”

“That is what they said last time too”

Laurence pressed his lips together, his chest hurting, he looked away.

“I’m sorry” he said after a while, it’s meaning encompassing more than the situation merited.

But Temeraire seemed to understand anyway, and he nuzzled him again.

“I did not want to worry you”

“I know, that is what worries me” Temeraire said, “I’d rather worry about your health than whether what you are saying is true or not.”

Laurence looked up at the shift in tone, a feeling of guilt building up in his chest. He looked back down at his shaking hands, not knowing how to answer.

The flutter of wings made them both look up, the little courier bearing the doctor looked at the two of them curiously. Aliceson had apparently called the doctor beforehand.

The man deboarded in his own clumsy way, nearly falling. And limped over to them, the man had a red face under his greying beard, and his overweight posture did not do him any favours.

He pushed his small round glasses further up his nose.

“Well then, what do we have here?” He asked, putting his hands on his sides.

“He has been coughing a lot more, and still doesn’t eat.” Temeraire said, ignoring the look Laurence gave him “surely you can see that there is something wrong now”

The doctor regarded him frowning.

“When was I here last? A week ago? Yes that is worrying” He mumbled to himself. He walked closer to Laurence, Temeraire muscles stiffened in reflex. “If you would care to stand up, yes, you look as if you have lost a few pounds” He said and turned to Temeraire “He has not been eating at all?”

“He eats, but usually very little.”

“well, he certainly looks like it”

Laurence sighed, but he coughed instead nearly toppling over. Temeraire pushed his nose against his back keening.

“Now that is worrying” The doctor said, rolling up his sleeve. “Please sit down Mr Laurence before you fall over.”

Laurence’s shoulders stiffened in indignation, but Temeraire was already herding him to his forearm with his nose.

Laurence sighed again, this time with more success, he had been feeling rather faint he supposed, but he still felt the reaction was rather dramatic. But the doctor insisted and Laurence did not have much choice to relent. Which is how he had found himself once again with dragon and doctor peering into his mouth. “Hm,” the doctor said, turning to his bag. Temeraire’s ruff was already rising and Laurence closed his eyes in resignation to the upcoming argument.

The world started spinning again, his head felt clouded and the familiar ache of weariness made his limbs feel heavy. The doctor said something from far away, and there was a cool hand suddenly on his forehead. Laurence stiffened automatically. Opening his eyes, he stared directly into the doctor’s face, who’s eyebrows were bunched up into a frown.

“You certainly have a fever, though minor as of yet.” The man proclaimed taking his hand away, ”But combined with this recent weight loss and the sleeplessness I would advise you to rest, preferably sleep as much as able, and eat as much as you can hold down. Then you should be fine.”

Temeraire’s ruff raised in agitation, but before he could say anything Laurence thanked the doctor and the man was off. Mrs Woodwick Promptly appeared at Laurence’s side with a hot cup of tea, and Laurence wondered if she had been waiting behind one of the pavilions stone pillars before now. “Sleep more and eat more he says! As if we didn’t figure that out ourselves!” Temeraire said, pacing around the laying couch he had seen Laurence to. Laurence eyed Mrs Woodwick, she was listening very intently, stood next to the laying couch, stubbornly avoiding his eyes. “But I was right, you certainly are not well at all.” Temeraire laid down next to the couch and nosed at Laurence. Laurence sighed, “Mrs Woodwick, thank you for the tea, could you please arrange for the guest room to be prepared for Lieutenant Roland and Captain Demane?” Mrs Woodwick startled visibly, “Of course, Sir.” She said hastily, and with one more look at Temeraire she strode back towards the house. Laurence had no doubt the rest of the servants would soon know of the doctors orders. “My dear, you are being incredibly overprotective. The doctor said I would be fine with some sleep.”

“Oh I am not being overprotective at all” Temeraire said, curling around Laurence again in a very protective gesture, nosing a blanket over his captain’s legs. Laurence smiled exasperated but fond, and leaned against the wall of scales around him. “I know that you are worried, dearest” Laurence said petting the dragon’s nose. “But I will be fine”

“You always say that Laurence, but what if it isn’t true? I mean if Tharkay were here...”

Laurence looked away quickly, the pain in his chest making itself known again. “Dearest..” But he didn’t know what to say, instead he just laid his cheek on the dragon’s nose and kept petting him. Temeraire keened lowly and curled tighter around him. They stayed like that for the rest of the day, and if Laurence felt a bit faint afterwards he wasn’t going to complain.

The next morning Laurence was roaming the library early, he had dressed already and both Emily and Demane would be joining them soon after breakfast. Laurence did not at all feel well this morning. One look in his mirror that morning and he had noticed how haggard he looked. His eyes were surrounded by dark circles and he looked almost deadly pale. He felt worse than he looked though. His head was continuously spinning and walking around verged a great effort. His head was pounding, his throat was sore and he kept coughing every few minutes.

Exhaustion was making him slow and his head even more clouded. His eyes were burning from the lack of sleep but he still had not been able to find rest.

He hoped Emily and Demane would not be too worried by his appearance. It wasn’t the first time they had stayed at the estate. And their visits certainly brought some life back into the estate. Laurence enjoyed their visits, he sometimes did miss the service and working with all of his officers. And having either of the younger officers as guests made him feel better. Even if he couldn’t honestly say he regretted retiring.

Laurence looked at the great clock on the wall of the library. His guests would be here soon.

He looked through the shelf again, and slowly picked out one of the titles to read to Temeraire that afternoon. As he turned to walk, an even greater dizziness overtook him, forcing him to stand still, pressing a hand to his head. Even to his own touch he felt like he was burning. The dizziness was followed by a nauseous feeling. Maybe he should go and sit down and rest a little, like the doctor suggested. The book slipped from his hand, hitting the floor with a soft thump. Laurence looked down, he noticed he was swaying slightly, his breath laboured. The movement of his head did not do him any favours, and he closed his eyes to the new wave of dizziness. A bone deep exhaustion followed. He suddenly felt a pain in his knees and the world shook around him. When he opened his eyes he was laying on the floor. He was confused, he hadn’t noticed falling. Another bout of coughing, and a new wave of dizziness. Laurence was confused, and tired, his guests would be arriving soon, but there was still a little time to rest, Laurence thought, and he closed his eyes.


	2. Dreaming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is chapter two! I hope you enjoy!  
> Thank you so much to my beta readers [Elissa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/akaparalian/works) , [Meg](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yagalmeggo/pseuds/yagalmeggo) and Bilau for beta-ing!  
> What i would do without you guys I would not know.  
> Also shoutout to the Temeraire discord crew for keeping me motivated!!

Emily jumped down from Kulingile's harness with the grace of an aviator. Demane followed slower, and Emily knew his hesitation. The young man had always been nervous when coming to the estate since.. Emily quickly banished that day from her mind. They were here on a happier occasion. 

"Hello Temeraire!" She called happily into the pavillion, she had missed the celestial. She missed his wit and his ridiculous discussions. His humor and even sometimes his corrections on her accent in whatever language she might be speaking. Said dragon was curled up in the middle of his pavillion, his hide glittering with morning dew. His proud head raised at her voice, but she knew him well enough to know by the weariness in the gesture, that something was wrong. Her smile changed into a frown. 

"Hello Emily, Demane, Hello Kulingile." Temeraire said, his voice sounded a little sad, and Emily felt a worried knot settle into her stomach. 

"Hello Temeraire!" Demane said from behind her, "How have you been? Where is the captain?"

"Laurence is still inside I think, but he is taking longer than normal" Emily could hear the worry in his tone, that was uncharacteristic for the captain, Laurence she corrected herself. And Demane seemed to have reached the same conclusion.

"Oh I am sure he is just sleeping in" Kulingile said as he walked into the pavillion, giving Temeraire a friendly nudge with his nose. The younger dragon had been very excited for his visit, and he laid himself next to the celestial, pressing his side against the smaller dragon.

"I hope so," Temeraire said "He hasn't been sleeping at all as of late! The doctor said he is sick" He added with a worried look to the house.  
Emily was more worried now, she knew the captain, Laurence she corrected herself again, well enough to know that the doctor had not been exaggerating. 

"I am sure he is alright Tem" She said however, though not just for his sake. She put her hand on the dragons nose. "Shall I see if I can find him? we can have our breakfast together."

"That would certainly be very nice" Temeraire said rumbling. 

"I will come along, we have to greet our host after all" Demane said when Emily threw him a questioning glance. The young captain had all but avoided Laurence the last visit.

Nevertheless he came along, probably thinking along the same lines as she did, something wasn't right here.

"What do you think is wrong with him?" Demane asked once they were let inside by Mrs Woodwick and out of her earshot.  
"Maybe he has a bad cold" Emily said, quelling her own darker thoughts, but when Demane threw her a disbelieving look she added, "You know Temeraire, he can be a bit overprotective at times"  
"Maybe so, but as I see it most of the time there is a good reason for it, and oftentimes he is right in some capacity" And Emily privately agreed, their former captain and admiral had just too many incidents in which his life was threatened, to his name.

But it wouldn't do to assume the worst scenario.  
She was just about to comment on him keeping some hope for once when she noticed the library door. It was slightly ajar, and through it she just a sliver of cloth. 

She hoped she imagined it.

She paused, her eyes still fixated on the familiar piece of cloth, she cursed under her breath and pushed the door open.

Laurence was laying on his stomach, a book by his side. His head was turned to the side, his skin deadly pale color with only some redness on his cheeks, his breath was laboured and he was frowning. Emily's mind conjured up a scene from years ago, where instead of neatly dressed he was laying on a cave floor, his back a bloody horror, she felt herself shaking. She dropped on the floor beside him, her knees hurting from the contact.  
She shook his shoulder. "Laurence? Laurence! Laurence please" There was no reaction. a ball of panic sat ice cold in her stomach and her heart pounded in her ears. "Demane go get one of the servants! We need a doctor!" she ordered the young captain, who was still frozen in the doorway. It seemed to shake him, and he bolted away immediately.

Emily carefully turned her captain around, taking him in her arms. 

"Please, please, Sir, you have to wake up, you have to!" She told him, putting a hand on his forehead. He was practically burning. That was not a good sign, none of this was a good sign, but when she let herself linger on it she found her breath halting and her mind getting clouded by thoughts of him dying, by flashbacks of the caves in Africa. She had to keep thinking of what had to be done, there was no time for this. "Please come on, please don't do this to us, to him, please not again" she whispered. Laurence's breath halted and for just a second she saw his eyes opening, but there was no lucidity in them. They fell closed again, and his breath was even more laboured. The dark circles around his eyes stood out against his pale skin and there was some sweat on his forehead. And god he looked so thin. As if they were back in Russia, in the farmhouse. Fighting to keep the cold at bay and all of them thin and threadbare from not enough supplies.  
She had been so angry then, and she was angry now. 

Why did he always do this? He could've died then. And he had been pushing himself too far, again. 

She felt the heat of his skin through his clothes, and all of these layers weren't doing him much good. She carefully put his head down in her lap and started to undo his neckcloth and jacked. She wasn't going to lose her captain, her father almost, to this. Not after all that they did survive together,

~  
There were dreams of black wings, cannons and burning ships. Screams of people past and voices calling his name. But there were only two voices he was longing for, aching to hear. but one of them stayed stubbornly silent. A void within the too bright, sharp colours around him. 

He felt like he was drowning and burning at the same time, gasping for air. His head was clouded and full of nightmares that he couldn’t wake from. And still he was aching to hear them, aching to hear him. But while he called to both of them an answer stayed away.

It got darker around him, from a cool dark blue to a deep dark blackness. A familiar voice was calling his name, but he felt like he was sinking, choking, the world around him turning into a whirl of voices, memories and noises all around him. and he got pulled into its current, he had no chance of escape, and he got tossed around and around through the memories that came to haunt him. The only thing he could do was bracing himself for each one, and hope, that the whirl would stop.

~  
Granby was sitting in a chair beside Laurence's bed. He had his head in his hands, he felt tired.  
Laurence's pants were audible in the room, and Granby could almost feel the heat radiating off of him. Outside he heard the dragons rumble in soft tones, they had surrounded Temeraire in his pavilion, partly to offer comfort and partly to make sure he would rest. 

two days had passed since Emily had found Laurence collapsed on the library floor. Two days with no response from Laurence, no waking, no murmurs, nothing but coughing and panting.

Two days since the doctor had left, shaking his head. 

Granby had come to the estate as soon as the little courier that had been sent with the news had landed. He had been just in time to catch Temeraire roaring after the doctor, thankfully restrained by kulingile. 

When he had made it into the room he had found Demane outside of the door, not daring to look at him, and Emily inside, her head bowed and sitting on the side of the bed.

Granby had taken in Laurence's pale skin, the dark circles and the hollow cheeks. the slight flush, the sweaty forehead and panting. His lips had turned into a fine line, and he had taken a chair and set it down next to the bed in a dark parody of when he had done so before. Emily had told him what happened, and he could piece together the rest from what Temeraire had told him that evening, when the dragon had calmed enough for coherent speech.

Since then they had taken turns sitting with him, and refreshing a cold damp cloth on his forehead.

Granby raised his head, and looked at Laurence. Nothing much had changed. He refreshed the cloth again anyway, and seated himself on the edge of the bed.

"I told you Will, you needed to rest. I didn't mean like this." He said quietly, and in dark humour. Laurence only coughed again, his body shaking with the effort. 

Granby clenched his jaw.  
Footsteps made him look up, he was surprised to find captain Little in the doorway.  
His dress suggested he had come straight from a patrol, and his face was still a little flushed from flying. "Augustine" Granby said a bit faintly, he was confused, Immortalis was still on active channel duty. 

"How is he?" Little asked, stepping into the room fully, he had a worried frown on his face.

"Nogood." Granby said, standing wearily, "The doctor said we can do nothing but wait, it is driving me insane." Little came closer, tugging Granby into an embrace. Granby let him, letting his head rest on Little's shoulder, the captain's coat a little rough on his cheek.

"Why are you here? I mean, are you not an patrol duty?" Granby asked after a moment.

"I got a week leave, I am not going to stay away when a friend might be on his deathbed." Little straightened, pulling back from the embrace in favour of putting his hands firmly on Granby's shoulders. "And I am definitely not going to leave you and that fire breathing menace of yours alone in a too big estate." Little said with some wry humour. 

Granby smiled despite himself, feeling a familiar flutter. He kept wondering what he did to deserve Little. 

Laurence coughed again, wheezing, And both captains snapped their heads to look at him, startled. But Laurence didn't wake, and when Granby looked back at Little, his lips had turned into a worried line. 

Granby sighed, reaching for a new cloth. But the older captain stopped him, taking the fresh cloth out of his hands. 

"Go and rest, John, you look as if you haven't slept in days." And well, Granby hadn't. But he felt hesitant to leaving, looking back at Laurence. 

"Granby"

"Are you sure..? 

"Yes, I am sure, now go"  
Granby looked at Little, but the man looked unmovable.Granby decided some rest would do him good, and with a quiet thank you he left the room.

~

When Tharkay entered his, no, their home, it was quiet, eerily so. The few servants usually seen throughout the manor were absent nor was there any sign of anyone having actively lived in the house either. Tharkay frowned, and walked up the stairs framing the hallway, putting his small baggage in his own room before going to investigate Laurence’s room. Laurence had insisted on keeping it, though the man now mostly slept in Tharkay’s bed, and who was Tharkay to deny him? Besides, it helped keep up appearances in front of the servants, who were still blissfully unaware of the nature their masters relationship. As Tharkay opened the door to Laurence’s room he found it decidedly empty, everything still as neat and organised as was the owners habit, except for the bed which looked slept in. It was unlike Laurence who insisted on making the bed before leaving the room, even when that room happened to be Tharkay’s.  
Tharkay’s frown became deeper. Worry slowly making itself known in his chest.

He didn’t let himself imagine what could’ve happened, that would do him no good. And there was no need for worry after all, Temeraire wouldn’t have let his companion wander off alone, though Tharkay thought grimly, that hadn’t stopped the man from hurting himself before.  
There suddenly was a loud noise coming from downstairs, like something heavy being dropped onto a metal surface.

Tharkay immediately turned to the stairs, hand on the hilt of his sword, missing his daggers dearly. 

Carefully he went downstairs making almost no noise. But when he found the source of the noise, his alarm turned into slight irritation.  
“Good morning, Miss Reid” he said to the maid, still contemplating the fallen pot, likely the source of the loud noise. The maid looked up in alarm, instinctively taking a step back, she gasped before recognising him. Margaret Reid, a young girl of 22, who had been hired only two months before, still jumped every time Tharkay came into the room after a longer absence. Still not used to her master appearing and disappearing randomly. Which, he thought to himself, was partly his fault for being away so often.

“Good morning and welcome home,sir” Miss Reid said carefully, recovering from her fright.

“Thank you, Margaret, may I enquire to the rest of the staff?” 

“Oh” Miss Reid said, her face reddening a little, 

“of course sir, Master Laurence gave everyone a day off to visit their families, sir”  
Tharkay only nodded, hiding his surprise, Laurence was in charge of the household while he was away of course, but sending the entire staff off to their families for the day was odd.

“And do you not have any family to go to then?” Tharkay asked the maid as he started walking towards the sunroom, where the door opened into the gardens with Temeraire’s Pavilion.

“Oh I do, Sir, they live close by”  
He side eyed her, eyebrows lifting.

“Ah, I mean, normally I would go visit them, Sir, but I am worried about Master Laurence.”

“Worried?”

“Yes, Sir” Reid said uncomfortable, “he seems to me a little under the weather, Sir”

Tharkay frowned, worried, fear creeping into his chest. He pushed it away, it would do no good to become anxious now, while he still didn’t know what was going on. But despite himself his pace quickened and Reid was struggling to keep up.  
“ Sir, Mr Rowan is still here too” She said talking about the butler, “and Mr Leighford still has warm breakfast in the kitchen.”

“Has he not eaten then?”

“No, Sir”  
Tharkay nodded shortly, pausing at the doorknob of the door in the sunroom. Outside he could see Temeraire coiled up in his pavilion, the sun already near its highest point.

“Thank you Miss Reid, tell mr Leighford we will take it in the pavilion”

“Yes, Sir” Reid said, looking relieved, and walking back towards the kitchen.  
Tharkay resumed towards the pavilion, setting a brisk pace, as he came closer he could see mr. Rowan standing near the entrance, uncertain. Temeraire was coiled tightly around his Captain, keeping the man from view.  
When Tharkay approached he waved mr. Rowan away, the man nodded silently and retreated towards the manor.

“Good morning Temeraire” Tharkay said and the proud head lifted up and towards him, his ruff rising at Tharkay’s voice  
“Tharkay, I am so very happy that you are back! Laurence is very sick!”

There was a muffled protest heard from where the dragons forearms and tail hid the man in question.

“He hasn’t eaten in two days, and he has been shivering in the night and he is hot to the touch! And he has been retching! So you are most certainly not fine!” He added towards Laurence who was still hidden behind the great claws and tail.

Tharkay quickly walked around them, and Temeraire obligingly lifted his tail to let him get closer. What he found wasn’t what he expected.  
Laurence sat upon Temeraire’s forearm, trapped by the dragon’s body tightly coiled around them like a wall.

He was swaddled in blankets, and someone had even gone as far as putting pillows all around the Captain. He was missing his coat and waistcoat and he was flushed from cheeks to neck and pale everywhere else. There were bags under his eyes suggesting that the man hadn’t slept very well. His hair looked like Laurence had been lifted straight from his bed, with strands springing from his hastily tied queue. 

“Welcome back, Tenzing. How was your trip?” 

Tharkay raised his eyebrows. "Not as eventful as on your side of England"

Tharkay went and sit down next to Laurence on the dragon's forearm, and went to feel the man's forehead.But Laurence Leaned away. 

"Tenzing, it would not do for you to get sick due to your guest."

Tharkay sighed "How many times must I remind you Will, you and Temeraire are not guests, and do not try and persuade me to stay away."  
Laurence's eyes narrowed, but he gave up the argument, the poor man looked exhausted.  
Tharkay touched Laurence's forehead delicately, he was burning, and Tharkay had too much experience with fevered men and women to know how dangerous that could be.  
But that were other circumstances, he told himself, crushing the worry in his chest, this wasn't as serious as that surely. But he couldn't stop the worry from seeping in.

"Have you been eating?" Tharkay asked, gently pushing a stray hair from the captain's face.

"No he hasn't, and he hasn't been sleeping much either" Temeraire nosed at Tharkay " Look he is shivering! surely we should call a doctor!" 

"For how long has this been going on?" Tharkay asked business-like, putting the back of his hand on Laurence's burning forehead again. 

"For only two days, don't mind Temeraire he is only making a fuss" Laurence said with his eyes half closed, he looked like he might fall asleep right there. Temeraire raised his ruff, keen on arguing this point. Thrakay raises his eyebrows at him, and Temeraire subsided, too worried to actually pursue this further. 

"It might just be a bad flu" Laurence's voice sounded strained before he dissolved into a brief bout of coughing. He shook under Tharkays hand, which had been on his forehead for far too long, he let his hand drop into his lap. Laurence keenly missed it.  
Tharkay frowned, "Maybe, though I do not like the look of you."

"Truly I am fine."

"As you are currently burning with fever and shivering, I am afraid you are not very convincing." Tharkay said dryly. Laurence narrowed his eyes again, as stubborn as a mule. " I am not in need of a doctor"  
Tharkay sighed, behind Temeraire's coils they could hear Reid and Rowan come into the pavilion with the food he requested. And when Temeraire lifted his tail to let them through the smell of fresh eggs and bacon along with freshly baked bread and coffee hit their noses. Laurence felt nauseous at the smell.  
They rolled it towards them on a cart, and Tharkay waved them away before they could do anything else, miss Reid seemed like she wanted to say something, but the butler mr Rowan put a hand on her shoulder and Tharkay saw them exchange meaningful glances, before they moved away again.  
Once they were alone again, Temeraire nosed at Laurence, " Are you sure you do not need a doctor? You really do look ill."  
“No my dear, I am fine, truly.” Laurence responded, and Tharkay snorted at him, unconvinced.  
Laurence threw a glare at him, but Tharkay pretended not to see, standing up and walking towards the foodcart.  
"Can I get you anything then?" Tharkay scooped egg and some bread on a plate,  
"No thank you" Laurence said, swallowing, the scent of eggs made him feel even more nauseated and he would not like to tempt his stomach. Tharkay looked back at him over his shoulder, eyebrow raised, Laurence tried to meet his gaze evenly, but couldn't help coughing, doubling over. Temeraire nudged him anxiously again, and he was still catching his breath when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Tharkay handed him a glass of water and Laurence took it gratefully. there was a tiredness settling over him, and it was difficult to keep himself upright.  
Tharkay was frowning at him again, and there was again a hand on his forehead.  
"Truly Will, you should be in bed"  
"I am fine truly, and I will do better here"  
"Oh?" Tharkay said, lifting his eyebrow at him again. "Is the bed insufficient?" He asked in a teasing tone, but Laurence knew him well enough to hear the serious question there.  
"Of course it isn’t , only"  
"Only?  
Laurence halted, lacking the words.  
How was he going to explain that the bed felt too big, or the way he never seemed to get enough air while in it? How was he going to explain the ache in his chest when he walked through the hallways. When he heard the echoes of his footsteps through the empty rooms. That the house was cold and dark, and that the fire never seemed to warm the room?  
How was he going to explain that he felt unmoored, drifting around without control over were he was going and that he could only brace for the next impact.  
How was he going to explain the ever present loneliness, that ached in his chest and made him feel cold, that felt heavy in his bones, that inescapably crept up and dragged him down when he tried to sleep.  
How was he going to explain that, without him, without Tharkay, living had become so much harder?  
"But that is the problem isn't it?" Tharkay said, his eyes dark and cold. "Why is it so much harder?"  
Laurence stared, his heart beating loudly in his ears has he looked in Tharkay's cold eyes, the man's expression a distant and cold mask.  
"Because you love me?" Tharkay sneered, the sound driving the air out of Laurence's lungs. He wheezed, the world suddenly spinning. Laurence reached for Temeraire's flank to steady him, to calm him, but he was only met with empty air.  
Laurence looked around panic starting to rise in his chest and his chest felt as if on fire.  
Laurence Gasped for breath, but it didn't reach. Tharkay stepped closer to him, looming over him, his mask not enough to hide the disgust on his face.  
"What right do you think you have?" Tharkay asked  
And Laurence couldn't answer him, even if he knew how. He looked down at the swaying floor. A familiar note on the floor in front of him.  
Suddenly his vision was blurry, he looked back to where Tharkay stood, but there was no one there. He was alone, the note unopened and crumpled in his hand.  
He knew the words on the note by heart.  
And it's words kept haunting him when he fell through the floor, the sea swallowing him up and drowning him. The kept echoing, together with what he had said.  
"What right do you think you have?

~  
Granby found himself in Tharkay's study, his feet having taken the now familiar route to the room.  
In the two years since the war, and since Laurence and Tharkay had moved in, he had been to this room many times. Mostly to interrogate Tharkay on the finer details of one or two of Temeraire's antics, or sometimes to talk about the sheer frustration of being in the acquaintance of one William Laurence, retired or no.  
Now the room was eerily empty. Granby was sure that if the servants did not clean the rooms regularly, there would've been a layer of dust on the elegant desk.  
Everything still looked as he remembered, apart from the missing maps on the wall and desk.  
Granby found himself cursing the man up and down. Clenching his fists, his nails digging into his palms.  
The room looked as though he could walk in any second, smiling and pouring Granby a glass of port or whiskey. Asking what iskierka had been up to now.  
But he wouldn't and Granby hated it.  
He left the room in a hurry, unable to look at it for another second.  
As he headed back to Laurence's room, he spotted Emily in one of the guest chambers.  
Through the door he could see the young lieutenant shaking with quiet sobs.  
Granby clenched his jaw, suddenly reminded to a day months prior, when Emily had run up to him, tears streaming down her face.  
He balled his fists and walked away quietly, fleeing.

Laurence was frowning in his sleep, soft murmurs escaping his cracked lips and sweat running down his pale face. Granby carefully placed his hand under the former admirals head, guiding it up a little before putting the cup of water to his lips. He managed to get Laurence to swallow a few sips before the man dissolved into another bout of coughing.  
Granby carefully placed him down again, making sure not to disturb him too much. Laurence continued wheezing and Granby frowned. An expression that seemed stuck to his face lately.  
Granby replaced the cloth again, but when he looked for a hankerchief, to dab some of the sweat away, he found he had lost his own.  
Patting down his coat again huffed, frustrated. Of all the times to forget his handkerchief, he thought.  
He looked around the room, knowing Laurence he might actually have one stored within reach.  
Maybe the bedside table, Granby thought. But when he opened the drawer there was no handkerchief, instead he found a piece of parchment, neatly folded in the drawer, with nothing else.  
Granby stared at it, curiosity tearing at him. But he couldn't, he couldn't betray his trust, not like this. And he closed the drawer again, but the piece of parchment never left his mind.

~

Temeraire was pacing around the window, the curtain was still closed, to his great dismay.  
He huffed again, the window fogging up from his breath. And again he tapped against the window with one talon. He saw movement behind the curtain, and Emily's tired face appeared in the window. She rolled her eyes and opened the window abandoning her seat by Laurence's bed. Demane was sitting and the end of the bed, nodding off above his book. Temeraire peered at Laurence, his captain looked very pale, a slight flush on his cheeks.  
His breathing was shallow and wheezing, and oh he looked so thin. Temeraire keened almost without noticing, and settled on the ground keeping his eyes on Laurence. Demane shook awake at the sound, startled.  
"Have you eaten Temeraire?" Emily asked tiredly, putting a hand on his nose.  
"I am not hungry" Temeraire said quietly, he didn't care for food, not now.  
He started lashing his tail around the garden, not caring of the mess he made of the lawn.  
"Temeraire, you have been outside this window for nearly four days and nights, and you haven't eaten since, nor i'd wager, any sleep."  
Temeraire snorted, how was he supposed to sleep? Or eat?  
"How is he?" Temeraire asked instead, and Emily sighed wearily, knowing a little too well that the dragon was as stubborn as his captain.  
"There isn't much of a change from when you asked ten minutes ago." Emily said dryly, behind her the sounds of a coughing fit were heard, not for the first time. Emily's head disappeared from the window and Temeraire peered inside again, keening.  
There was a tight knot of worry in his chest, and whenever he stopped to think about it it grew tighter, making his heart beat faster and breathing harder. His wings trembled, he wanted to go, do something, help him, but he couldn't. And so he had to wait, again, like he had done before. But before didn't end well. Before wasn't something he wanted to think about. Not now, not again, it wouldn't happen again, he promised himself, it couldn't.  
He focused his attention on the window again, and he stayed there for the rest of the day. His neck started to hurt from the awkward angle, his wings were stiff from the little exercise, his head was clouded with exhaustion and his stomach started to ache from hunger. But still he wouldn't move. Emily and Demane traded their bedside duties with Granby and little. But Neither of them could convince him to move. Iskierka came by his place at the window, but Temeraire ignored her, her remarks and the occasional fire plumes she spewed behind him. When Granby and Little traded places with Emily, Iskierka left him alone as well, muttering about trying to be kind and ungrateful males. But Temeraire didn't care, her captain wasn't in that bed, wheezing, coughing and burning. Kulingile came after her, he didn't say anything, just bumping his nose against Temeraire's shoulder and laying down against him. It was of scarce comfort, but it was some comfort nonetheless, even if the younger dragon didn't know how it felt.  
Kulingile went away when Granby came to take over the seat besides the bed, bumping Temeraire's shoulder again. Granby sat in silence by Laurence's bed, he was holding a cup of tea in his hand and the metal hook tapped against the porcelain in a steady rhythm. The sky was turning darker, the sun setting behind the house, Temeraire could hear the wildlife settling for the night and Laurence's wheezing breaths sounded louder in his ears than before.  
"He is going to pull through you know." Granby said, his voice suddenly loud in the silence.  
Granby didn't look up from Laurence's face, Temeraire didn't think he wanted him to.  
"I know this is hard for you, especially with what happened last time." Granby paused, putting the cup on the bedside table.  
"And I know, I know how much it hurt when losing Tharkay like that" Granby's breath hitched and his eyes met Temeraire's. Temeraire thought could see the flickering of what were tears in the man's eyes, there was so much sadness and despair there, Temeraire stood frozen at it. At the memories from that time.  
"And, I know it is just as hard to see someone you love just waste away because of it, especially when he has done so before. Especially when it finally looked to be going better"  
Temeraire couldn't help the keen coming through the tight ball in his throat.  
There were lines of exhaustion in Granby's face, his eyes spoke of that sadness that despair. But also frustration. And Temeraire couldn't help but feel the same tight frustrated restlessness to do something. The frustration of watching his captain grow distant again. But this time it was different, it was hidden behind a layer of normalcy. A veil LAurence had drawn around himself, pretending that no one would see. But Temeraire did see it, he could see the sadness chipping away at his captains heart, the unhappiness dragging at his shoulders, the sleeplessness that resulted from it. He had watched as Laurence drew away from Granby, from Emily, from ferris, from everyone. Even from him and it hurt so much. Sometimes Temeraire thought it would tear him apart. But he couldn't do anything. Whenever he tried to bring it up it had driven Laurence further away, further into the denial, the facade that it was okay and there was nothing wrong. And thus Temeraire pretend with him, hoping that somehow that would eventually bring him back. But it never did.  
And oh he knew that it wasn't because Laurence wanted to hurt him, that it wasn't from not wanting to be with Temeraire anymore, but that was the point.  
Laurence did it for Temeraire, because he didn't want to worry him, because Laurence wanted him to be happy.  
But, Temeraire thought ruefully, what Laurence didn't understand that if he wasn't happy, Temeraire couldn't be happy either.  
And Temeraire could see, even while still in the war, that Laurence didn't think he deserved to be happy. And while back then Temeraire could dream of a time after the war where everything would be well again. Now he could only watch, and when Tharkay had left them, the thought of not being deserving of happiness had fixed itself firmly into Laurence's mind.  
And perhaps that was what hurt the most.

Suddenly Granby walked over to the window, his chair scraping over the floor when he pushed it back. The sound startled Temeraire, but before he could react there was a hand on his muzzle.  
"You don't think your own health a priority right now, but you have to stay healthy, keep eating and sleeping."  
"I won't leave him."  
"And what happens when you fall ill yourself? What do you think Will will do, when he finally wakes and finds you sick and starved outside his window?"  
"it won't be his fault"  
"Yes, try and convince him of that when it happens."  
"I am not leaving him"  
"If you fall ill you leave him regardless!" Granby nearly shouted it, his eyes wide in frustration.  
Temeraire had his ruff flat against his neck, quivering.  
Granby took a few breaths, steadying himself.  
"I will close the window and curtain..."  
"You will not"  
"...and they'll remain closed..."  
"You cannot!"  
"... until you have slept through the night, and eaten two cows"  
"Don't you dare"  
"Oh, I dare Temeraire! I can and I will! I am not going to see you both waste away!" Granby hissed, he closed the window with a violent thump in Temeraire's face, repeating his demands through the window, before yanking the curtain closed. Temeraire roared in frustration. Pacing furiously, ignoring his stiff muscles. His tail lashed around violently and his claws tore through the ground with every step.  
He had to see him, he had to stay with him, he couldn't leave him!  
He didn't know how long he paced around, tearing at the now ruined lawn. Eventually he was beyond his fury, only wanting to see him, his captain. He wanted to hear his voice again, to hold him against his scales again. To sit together in the pavillion and read the principia mathematica again. He tapped on the window sill, again and again and again, pleading, keening. To no avail. eventually he curled up in front of the window, exhausted, putting his head beneath his wing, keening until he finally fell fast asleep. Even missing the wingbeats of a courier in his exhaustion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed!! Angst galore am I right?  
> What happend to Tharkay?  
> What is going to happen next?  
> Who knows, I certainly don't know yet.

**Author's Note:**

> FINALLY POSTED A FIC AGAIN, I took awhile I know.  
> Definetly let me know what you thought! Next chapter is underway.  
> Also there is a Temeraire discord! Everyone is free to join. https://discord.gg/vSQZe6t


End file.
